I haven’t updated this blog in 312 days. Woops. I do most of my writing and venting nowadays on my TTC IG. You likely found my blog from there; but just in case, you can find me at @2ndaryinfert
Limbo. Stuck. Imagine bending backwards to walk beneath a stick. Do it a few dozen times, each consecutive attempt, lowering the stick an inch. Now imagine you’re at that height where you’re pretty sure you won’t make it under without falling, but you’re going to attempt it anyways. You take a breath, walk towards the stick and begin to waddle as your spine curves backwards in an almost impossible arch. Your hips cross under the stick, your belly button, your lower ribs. You’re holding your breath so you can brace your abs to keep from collapsing onto the ground. The stick reaches your chest and heart as you awkwardly shuffle forward and you’re astounded that you’ve made it this far without failing. But then you find yourself suddenly stuck, bent backwards with your heart under this stick, forcing you to a most uncomfortable standstill. You’re unable to continue but unable to let yourself buckle. Your chest is tight and it’s difficult to breathe. Your neck is aching while you focus on this damn stick.
I’m stuck in limbo.
After spending an arm and a leg at a new RE, whom doesn’t make me feel at ease like my Gyno did, I now have answers. Answers that bring a tiny bit of relief because we’re clued into how to fix what’s taken almost three years to figure out. While alleviated, I somehow find myself more devastated than before. It’s true; my husband and I have a <1% chance of conceiving naturally. It’s true; statistically the solutions available should increase that percentage greatly. But those solutions are unobtainable.
Over these last few years, we’ve gone from “ready to be pregnant in two weeks” to “oh my kale, how are we going to pay our bills?” Testing was so much more expensive than we ever anticipated. I mean, hello? We’ve both conceived accidentally with other people, eight and sixteen years ago. There should only be something a little off. Right?
That’s not how it works.
I watched a video in my psychology class about a gay male couple looking to adopt. One of them said, “Straight people just have to FUCK and they get a kid.” Of course, it stuck a cord with me. That’s not always the case.
We no longer have the means to cover fertility treatments with our current savings. We have to wait and save up for it. It’s agonizing, waiting for something that you’ve already waited 1,012 days for, only to not end up not having enough money to pay for it. We are stuck. We are stressed as hell.
So we wait. We work. I brood. Lather, rinse, drink cheap wine, repeat.